let me give you a bit of back story, August 20somthing in and around that week of 2010 i met a guy who is now my best friend and roommate.
The first time we kissed was in my kitchen at a BBQ i was having. the first time we slept together was the night he broke his heel jumping off a building at a fair, and the first time i realized i needed more then his friendship was not long after. For any girl who has fallen for their best friend knows that if you say something you could risk losing them forever so like any girl i bit my lip and we just became friends..... with benefits...... witch was fine i could see that what he really needed was just a good friend and he had been the type to jump from one girl to another so i was happy he had decided to be single for a while in the time that our friendship grew we learned and discovered more things about each other and ourselves that we never imagined possible everything made sense to us and what seemed to be only us.
In the short time we have been friends i have never felt such an ease with a person and soon enough i could see him feel it too it wasn't long before we ended up being "Monogamous friends" and other people became a thing of the past. I was happy pretending but i knew it wouldn't last for long so i would make sure i would pull back from him every once in a while to guard my heart and keep it from what i knew one day would come.
Good things come to those who wait?...... ya that's what i thought to.
On June 30th this is what i found in my fb mail box
So I've never been good with words with you.....But I feel I have to get this out in the open after all this time....Let me start by saying I have liked you a lot ever since we kissed in your old kitchen lol I tried for a long time to not let you being with other guys get to me, but I honestly can't sleep till your home...It really hurts when I know that other guys wanna get with you cause it almost feels like we have been dating...I just want to know if you have some of those same feelings also. I don't quiet know where this is going but I just thought you should know how I really feel under my independent exterior sorry for the weird long facebook message but I just can't get the words out ya know....and I totally understand if you don't, I believe you deserve someone better than me lol I don't have a clue where all this is going to go but I'm quiet interested in finding out
my heart raced as i read this, i didn't know what to do he was in the bathroom at the time and i was frozen on the couch it seemed like he was in the other room for a lifetime now as i tried to think of a reply. This was it tho the moment every girl waits for, the guy i love wants me back and to top it off hes all ready my best friend this should be easy right?..... it wasn't so i mean i agreed and we quickly became a couple but soon after that we both started to realize that we were not like all the other couples we still kept our friend boundaries and when we would go to brake them we didn't know how to do it with out this awkward feeling in the room i mean the sex is great it always has been but it felt like we jumped into a year long relationship with out the honeymoon stage. could it be we got to know each other too well? is that even possible?
I finally couldn't take it anymore i had to talk to him about us and not feeling or acting like a couple i needed to know if this was how he was with all his gfs or if it was just me i had started thinking maybe there was something wrong with me,why couldn't he touch me?
So I was just wondering if you were still into being in a relationship? I really want it to work out. But it doesn't really feel like we are in a relationship and I wanted to know how you felt before it went any further
we were in a movie when i left to send this message to him i couldn't sit next to him any longer with out getting this off my chest it was suffocating me to know that everything i wanted could be over. By the time the movie let out i was breathing deeply my palms were filled with sweat and my tong seemed to have gotten to big to open my mouth to say anything as we neared home i kept wondering if i did the right thing by sending it, i mean what if it was just way too new to us and we never got to reach the point of boundary braking. But it was to late now after he read the message he said he agreed and that maybe we jumped into things and it didn't feel right to him and he didn't want to go any further encase we ruined our friendship.
At this point all i wanted to do was to curl up into a ball and cry but i couldn't he was still my roommate and if i didn't want our living situation or our friendship to get awkward i had to put on my tough girl pants and try to get over it with out showing any emotion. That night was hard to hide it tho i didn't look at him at all after that its not that i didn't want to i just couldn't knowing that i wasn't the one for him tore me to pieces so much so that im still not whole and i don't feel right now that i will ever be.
its been a while now and on the surface everything is back to normal but deep down all i ever wanted is gone my dreams feel shattered the life i thought i was going to have the life i wanted to have is all gone now and i have to start over and pick up the pieces the worst part tho is i cant even tell my best friend how i feel about him and our situation